We just switched our daughter from a “star/sticker” system to a “points/rewards” plan, and the difference is dramatic, in her and in me. I’ve decided it’s time to award myself some points! But first I should explain. A sticker on the calendar for a successful day was a zero-sum game; while the intent was to…
I never imagined how often day-to-day parenting would feel like the battle scene that opens Saving Private Ryan. I thought we’d won ours, getting both kids back from the beach to our motel room. 15 minutes of crying by our 5-year-old daughter (tired? overstimulated by vacation and spring break? sugared up? check, check, check). But…
Of all the tantrum-inducing opportunities life affords, I could never have predicted that our terrible two-year old would focus so much on hand washing. Of course he doesn’t limit himself, but this is his most reliable source of agony, running to the bathroom wanting to wash his hands. Somewhere between getting the tap on, the soap…
Just the thought of it gave me chills. It thrilled and excited everyone who heard about it. We were taking the kids up to the Sierras to see their first snow. I’d been there when they saw the ocean for the first time! They grew up in San Francisco and our girl didn’t see the…
No, this isn’t about Susan Sontag. It’s about how the kids change so gradually, even glacially, and suddenly something blindsides me and everything feels like it’s happening so fast. Today I was working on my spreadsheet for summer camps (more on that in a sec), and our daughter, “helping” me at the computer, doodled away…
Our angelic “terrible 2”-year-old had a big breakthrough this week. He learned to say yes! I never thought about what a huge developmental leap this concept must be. Clearly, no is more compelling and immediate early in life; most of what happens to us just happens, so the need to reject the things we absolutely…
Can I just say, I’m a little sick of hearing myself complain about my kids? Yes, it has been overwhelming, all-consuming, and much harder than I expected. Venting about the surprises, dramas, and relentlessness of it has been useful. As I’m learning from other parents, kids are often a big pain. But it’s insane that I’ve achieved…
I’m getting a lot of T Berry Brazelton’s Touchpoints second-hand from Jay, who’s loving these books. It’s fair to say we’ve both been shocked by the depth and intensity of our own stuff that’s coming up as we learn to parent these kids. The “Ghosts in the Nursery” are the remnants and afterimages of our…
I think it’s a great skill to be able to mirror, reflect back, and participate in the conversation. My verbal abilities have gotten me this far in life, and I think I’m good at listening to and talking with the kids. But sometimes I really need to shut up. This thought first came to me…
My mother had a rule while travelling: if an attraction had a star in the AAA Tourbook, we had to stop. Why would we leave a town without seeing everything the editors thought was worth a star? We moved quick, and we saw everything. On a 3- or 4-day trip to the Bay Area in…
I don’t know what I thought the “pushing, testing” stage would look like, but I didn’t think it would involve pushing the cat off the balcony. It did. Theory one: kids who’ve experienced rejection try to recreate it. Having lost a home they expect to lose this one too, and create situations that will help…
After wading through a couple very earnest books on adoption and parent-child attachment, what fun to come across Pamela Druckerman’s Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting. I love this book! It makes the French seem utterly sensible in their approach to children, and shows how nutty American kid culture has…
A knockout essay in the NY Times by Hanif Kureishi about the Value of Distraction got me thinking about how our obsession with diagnosing, regularizing, and “optimizing” kids. I’m sure treatments for ADHD have helped plenty of kids, and I’m not against medicine. But when the number of children on psych meds is so alarmingly high, I…
OK, guilty. I was checking out Smash this week (will the sensitive brunette or the bombshell blonde be picked to play Marilyn?). There were Debra Messing and Brian d’Arcy James, struggling with the long, long wait they’ve been facing in their adoption. Should he go back to work, should they wait longer for the baby? Then on…
On the recommendation of a friend I’m reading a fascinating new book, Timothy Wilson’s Redirect: The Surprising New Science of Psychological Change. I also recently saw Our Idiot Brother, and the two have me thinking. The brainy one first: Redirect talks about the power of the interpretations we give events. A simple example: someone who…
My twice-yearly dental cleanings are an interesting opportunity to feel like a completely mediocre achiever. I don’t think I’m incredibly lazy, or unable to follow directions. OK, I probably don’t brush for the full two minutes each time, but I floss twice a day (always!), and I try the different techniques that have been offered–circular!…
I’ve been thinking about all the help we’re going to need when these kids land, and how bad I am at asking for help. What an opportunity this will be! I don’t usually complain about my childhood; I have very fond memories of growing up. There are just a few things I’d change: wish I…
