Check out the synonyms for “retire” and it’s a somber list. Abdicate. Withdraw. Depart. Retreat. Relinquish. Surrender. Resign. Seems like something best done in a muddy uniform with a musket dragging sadly behind.
Then there are the sleepy options: Turn in. Hit the hay. Off to bed.
None of these quite describe my plans. There are definitely no firearms or martial defeats involved, but it is my intention to retire from my 30 years running David Kerr Design. The fabulous Gwyn Fisher and his company AgaveWeb will take over contracts as they come up for renewal in 2026, so the transition will take awhile! Read the business details here.
Thinking about wrapping things up brings up vivid memories of how I started out. I remember the terror of diving into working for myself. My friend Paula had made the leap from the training and consulting company where we worked. “There are so many projects,” she insisted. “You’ll be fine, you’ll never go back to working for someone else!” I started freelancing around the edges, while clinging to the security of my job, and I only took the leap with layoffs and restructuring making an exit seem inevitable. I felt like Wile E. Coyote with his legs pumping furiously in the air. But miraculously, I didn’t fall into a deep canyon in a puff of dust.
“90 percent of small businesses don’t make it,” my Dad used to say when I was a kid. He was a firm believer in the power of being a company man, spending his career at IBM, moving up the ranks, getting training and education. Every summer there was a family day at his campus, with food and fireworks. He was loyal to Big Blue, and they were loyal back for most of his career. (Until the 1980s there had never been an IBM CEO who hadn’t come up through the ranks of the company!) Of course that was over by the 90s, as the whole economy was shifting and dad was offered a sweet deal to retire early. Later that decade was my leap out of corporate America and into self employment. Dad was always amazed and proud that I did it, and confided that he never would have started a business (see his favorite statistic, above). But he flew to California and helped me run electricity to turn a garden shed into my office. Mark came out from Chicago to help with drywall and finishes. Kenny encouraged me on the marketing and networking side, and sent me lots of architecture clients. I was launched!
I imagined working for oneself to be full of a joyful freedom, working at whatever hours of day or night one likes. It was fun having more control of the work, and following my interests, but for schedule it turned out I was more a banker’s hours kind of person. Banker’s hours plus. Except for the joy of grocery shopping or running to the hardware store in the middle of the day, I was pretty much working. There’s always something to do. When project deadlines are met, there are the endless bits of running a business: the banking, the billing, the networking. Turns out Paula was right, there was lots of stuff that needed doing, starting with brochures and business cards and signs, then moving online to websites.
Fast forward 30 years, and it’s time to move on again. When I talk about the military defeat that my retirement is not, it sounds like I have a plan. But my plan is to figure it out. That I don’t really know what the next thing is seems embarrassing, even inexplicable. For a few years I’ve been telling myself that as soon as I figure out the next chapter, then I’d start thinking about the transition. But it turns out in this area, I can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. Keeping the business running takes much of my mental bandwidth. And planning for a transition of the business takes even more time! Luckily I like to be busy. I’ve been deep into transition options and planning for well over a year.
In my conversations with Gwyn about the direction of our work, often while hiking the incredible mountains surrounding Salt Lake City, it became clear that I didn’t want to just keep going until I ran out of gas. I love my clients so much. One could also say I’m a little addicted to the high of solving problems, that’s a great feeling. But I knew at some point I would be done, and the timing seemed right for Gwyn and his company to take things on. I’m so grateful he’s doing it, as will be everyone who works with him. He’s a marvel. I know my clients will be taken care of.
I hope this perhaps-random leap into the unknown means that I trust the universe more than I used to, though my skill at worrying remains pretty sharp. And spare a thought for my family here, who know that a busy, occupied me is a happy me. I’m committed to taking some time off and being a little aimless until the new aim comes into view. It may not be pretty. Actually, it almost certainly will not be pretty.
But what a wonderful problem to have! How great to have options!
I’ve still never done goat yoga, and I intend to before the trend is completely played out (or soon after, if it is already over). I’ve spent 13 years running all over the place with the kids, but haven’t had time for leisurely visits with many friends scattered all over the place. I still haven’t been to sip and paint with the other moms. One friend says I’m going to come out of the closet as a healer and energy worker. Another runs an urban farm in Oakland that looks cool. I’ve only been to 20 of the 60+ National Parks in the US. Also I want to volunteer in classrooms; I miss having elementary school kids so much. I’d love more time to write and read and think.
Oh, and we have to get our son through high school!
If you want to hear more about my rambles, the form below will sign you up for new blogs and the holiday letter when they come out (and not put you on any other lists). I can’t wait to hear what I do, though I’m committing to myself not to figure it out too quickly. A little searching always does me good.
