It’s not giving up, though it’s terrifyingly close, or feels that way.
I came to it through a feeling of hitting my head against the wall. Feeling out of control, unable to steer, I wondered what else I could do. With my oldest 18 (and now, eek, 19!) the frank answer was not a whole heck of a lot. I certainly could not continue trying to run things.
Getting her through high school was a white-knuckle ride, and I’m not sorry that I pushed to make that happen. But it was less effective in college, which was not going well her first year. I had assumed if I could just get her there and convince her to stay the year the university would win her over. It worked for me 40 years ago! And I come from excellent problem solving, midwestern stock. Dad knew how to fix a misaligned gate, rewire a light fixture, or re-plumb the sink to stop that drip. Like my parents before me, I pushed my daughter into college and figured with the right incentives or encouragement, that would be that.
To which reality replied, nice try, Boomer. I finally had to admit that I do not know what’s best for my daughter right now, and even if I did, I had limited leverage to make her do anything.
But an amazing thing happened when I loosened my grip a bit.
It was scary, but we told her she was going to have to figure out this next part. That we’d be happy to suggest things or help with specifics, but the next move would be up to her. The options at first overwhelmed her. Join the military? Move with a friend to Florida to do cosmetology school? Move back home and look for work? Live with friends in Southern California? In the last couple months she has managed to get an apartment, get another, better restaurant job and keep her fast food job, do some nails on the side, and sign up for community college in Riverside for the fall. Her finances have been tight but she’s managed them. There were some bumps but the disasters I feared did not appear.
And she’s so much happier steering the boat. Where I loved doing what the grownups thought I should do (mostly), without my micromanaging she’s making much more grounded decisions, and learning from each step. I think she’s going to be ok!
Which, I’ve decided, should become my mantra over here: It’s going to be ok.
My worrying is often about the wrong things, and when the disasters happen (and there have been plenty), they’re usually a surprise. But we’re resilient, and lucky, and able to cope with what life has thrown us so far. We’re going to be ok. It’s all going to be ok.
