I believe in magical thinking, and I try to never say never. But. But. But. I have to admit, we’re not going to get kids this year, not before Hanukkah, Christmas, or New Years. Nope.

I guess I was overly optimistic. Hearing how many tens of thousands of kids are in need of a permanent home in California, I thought we’d be besieged with kids. Or at least kid. I heard the stories from those who waited and waited, but arrogantly thought that it would happen fast for us, painlessly, instantly. Poof!

Finally our social worker laid it out this week. Social workers are reluctant to move kids in December. It’s too emotional a time of year, too fragile to mess with where kids are. And everyone’s on vacation and out of the office. There are no new kids in the system in December. Good to know, but couldn’t they have mentioned this, so I wasn’t secretly counting how many days we had to get the kids before Christmas? Would it be hard to set up a few routine emails that let prospective parents know what to expect? I’d be fine with a mass mailing, I just want to know what to expect.

I guess I’m a big spoiled baby in that way. Our culture encourages that–instant gratification, order now, free shipping over $50. I’m finally ready to be a parent and want a kid, now! We’re fortunate, educated, have wonderful opportunities and have been rewarded for hard work, or so we like to believe. Maybe we’re just sheltered elites, coddled, indulged brats?

Of course, if we’d been willing to consider a teenager, or a couple of very special needs kids, it would have happened sooner. I feel terrible about that. Guilty, embarrassed, in denial. But I really want to start with a child, not a teen. Have more kid time. Have a bigger influence on their lives. But how selfish that seems when I’m sure there are fantastic older kids ready for a  home. (Maybe when our kids get to be teens we’ll be ready for another teen–but don’t tell Jay!).

For me the crummiest feeling is being ungrateful, wanting something I don’t have, when I’m clearly so blessed. And I’ll get back to thankful. But not just now. I feel bereft, so ready to give a kid some love, so sure that kid’s out there, ready too. But, like about twelve work projects and that project in the garage, I guess it has to wait until 2012.