Confused and Not Sure

Confused and Not Sure

Is there anything weirder than everything going right? It’s disorienting. I’m a little bit lost.

Sure, I’ve got to wrestle health insurance for the kids. Adoption means they transfer departments, get new names, are “uninsured” as their old selves and put into a new program. It’s kind of a hassle.

Also we’ve got to sort out the financial consequences of getting married; friends who warned me it’s not a financial bargain were right.

And a couple of the garden lights are burned out and need to be replaced.

So yeah, there’s stuff to do, 45 or so tasks like the above. But my 10+ year quest to have children has resulted in … children! I’ve got my hands absolutely full, but my to-do list seems suddenly, weirdly cleaned out. Do I need another big goal?

Of course as I wonder this, I’m nearly too tired to stay awake until 10pm. Keeping the kids fed and cleaned and entertained, keeping my business going, reading the occasional chapter in a book. This is enough to keep me busy. And yet. I’m pretty sure I need some bigger targets.

I guess I could start with fatherhood. I’ve been very focused on achieving it, and trying hard to be a good one, but quite often I’ve not been the father I hoped to be. Moodier, less patient, more demanding. There is ample room for improvement.

And what has been going on with this country? While I’ve been basking in love and feeling so much support and community, our increasingly polarized sides have been ripping each other apart. We’re watching different news channels and can’t even agree on the basic facts. With friends and relatives on the other side of the political spectrum I seem to have politely reached a “don’t ask, don’t tell” truce. Is this sustainable? Is there some place in politics to try and reengage in a more civil, productive debate?

Also, it would be nice to paint (expressively) or find some other visual outlet.

So as you can see, I’m a little all over the place. I guess some patience is in order, as the dust settles. As we all figure out what we’re up to in this family, and I adjust to my new view of the world, in my still-new role as a dad.

2013-10-21T21:18:25+00:00 October 21st, 2013|adoption, waiting and wanting kids|0 Comments

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